Amuse Me
by ivenoticed-twice
Summary: With all Klaus's frustration in New Orleans, he needs to vent to someone. And that someone just so happens to be a blonde therapist that has every intention of fixing all his personal problems. Every single one.
1. The Mind

_"Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone."_

― Augusten Burroughs, Dry

The black suited woman sitting across from Klaus rested her chin in her hand, which rested atop her crossed knees, and narrowed her eyes thoughtfully at him. "Tell me... about your siblings."

Klaus chuckled and folded his hands together. "They're backstabbing imbeciles that think they need to control me."

"And do they?"

Klaus smirked and looked towards the window, admiring the old willow tree right outside the building. "Not even in their dreams."

His blonde therapist nodded. She didn't keep notes. She didn't type information into her computer. She just watched him as she questioned. "So, you don't get along?"

Klaus narrowed his eyes in thought. "We're not much of a touchy-feely family."

"That's not what I asked."

"It's what I answered."

A small smile stretched her lips, and Klaus couldn't help but feel proud. Already, she knew who was in charge. He leaned his head back, waiting for her response. "Do your siblings get along with _each other_?"

That wasn't what he was expecting. Now she was leaning towards the idea that he was the problem in the family relationships. That just wouldn't do. "No," he stated shortly.

"But they get along better than they do with you," she confirmed.

"I hardly see how that has to do with anything."

The therapist clapped her hands together and leaned back. "Can I be honest with you?"

"We both know you won't be," he mumbled to himself.

His retort didn't do anything to her confidence. "I'm not an average therapist. I don't ask the typical questions. And, honestly, I don't think I want to give you the textbook answers."

Klaus let his annoyance flash in his eyes. Maybe she was telling the truth. "Then what am I even here for?"

"You want answers as to why no one likes you. And solutions to respect." Klaus leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "What makes you so sure I'm not respected?"

The woman leaned forward as well, a hint of a joke on her lips. "Because when a good-looking man who's dressed well and speaks with a strong accent walks into a room, I naturally assume he's someone of royal importance. But after speaking to you for no more than five minutes, you've shattered that impression and replaced it with cockiness." She smiled at her words and sat up straight. "Bravo."

Klaus breathed in deeply. "Aren't you here to boost my confidence?"

She stretched her arms out in front of her casually. "Your confidence is already far too high. Plus," she pointed at him, "I'm not your average therapist."

"Do you do this with all your clients?"

"Do what?"

"So obviously not care."

"Oh, I care. I actually really want to help you with your social problems. I just don't think acting like you're Mr. Helpless is going to get us very far."

Another deep breath. "And how do you propose we go about this, then?"

She smirked to herself, truly enjoying this. "Shoving you out of your comfort zone. Making you understand why people don't agree with what you do. And convincing you that you can be powerful without being a dickhead."

Despite her best efforts, Klaus could only take her words as a joke. And why not play along when you're amused? He reached his hand out, smiling at her. "And I can't wait to see you accomplish your goal."


	2. Anger

_"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."_

― Mark Twain

"Okay, lesson number one," Caroline announced, pushing her blue couch against the wall. Klaus stood to the side, watching with an amused eyebrow arched. Ever since he'd forced her name out of her, she'd only become more and more interesting to him. Caroline, the girl far too young for her knowledge. Caroline, the woman that didn't have time for his "crap." Caroline, the lady that never flinched at anything he said - even when he referenced his killings. "Your anger is clearly a problem," she continued, pushing another piece of furniture out from the center of the room. "So we're going to see how far I can get without pissing you off."

Klaus turned in a circle as he watched her rearrange the color-coordinated therapeutic room. "Do you plan on insulting me until I break? Or are you more of a poking person?"

She laughed, pushing her hair behind her ear as she stood up straight after moving her desk. "I'm more of a biter." Then she shoved him straight in the chest.

He was so surprised he fell back a step or two. "What was that?" he demanded in a low tone.

She was smiling, biting her lip in excitement. She clapped her hands in front of her, then jogged in place. "I'm pushing your buttons."

Klaus stared at her in wonder. "You're going to attempt to hurt me?"

"No," she frowned, "just...play fight." She reached forward in a move to slap him, but he caught her wrist, glaring at her.

She nodded her approval. "Quick on your feet - that's good."

He threw her hand back to her side. "I believe there's a law against abusing your clients."

Caroline stuck her bottom lip out. "Oh, boo hoo. You're going to brag about killing people but the second a girl takes a swing at you you go straight to someone with authority?"

"You're vexatious."

She winked. "That's the point." Her foot swung up and make contact with his shin, earning her a grunt from his throat. "Angry yet?"

"Disenchanted."

"Alright then, let's step it up a bit."

Caroline walked in a circle around him, capturing his eyes in hers, smirking the entire time. "You told me you killed your father." She slapped his back, nearly a friendly pat. "Why?"

"He was my adoptive father," Klaus responded.

"Ah, right, totally gives you the right to slit his throat."

"I drove a stake into his heart."

"Ooh, I bet that felt good: draining the life out of someone who raised you." She took a swing at his stomach, but he blocked it with his forearm and a sigh. "Not like he put a lot of effort into raising you."

"He couldn't have cared less for me. I was a bastard son."

"That doesn't surprise me."

Klaus's eyes narrowed instinctively, and though he tried, his fingers curled.

She kicked. He caught her ankle in his hand as it came close to his face. She gasped when he caught her off balance, and he released her just in time for her to fall onto her back.

She landed softly, but hard enough to embarrass her. Klaus smiled. "Now who's getting flustered?"

Her lips pursed together. She got up on her knees, grabbed his shirt, and threw him to the side. He watched the ground come up on him, but he did nothing to stop it. Let her have her small victory; perhaps she'd stop.

Alas, she didn't. She leaned over him with a grin. "Let's get back to the original question. Why'd you kill your father?"

Klaus went limp, staring up at her with irritation, because now he needed to search himself for answers.

...No he didn't. He didn't have to share anything with her if he didn't feel like it. So he didn't. He just looked up at the ceiling, eyebrows raised as he waited for her to finish.

"Oh no you don't," she chuckled. "Don't cop out now. We're nearly there!"

"Where?"

"To you being angry."

"Love, this isn't me getting angry. This is me thinking of so many other ways I could actually be making use of my time," he covered.

Caroline rolled her eyes, but didn't move her hands from his chest, keeping him on the ground. "Like what? Drawing a depressing picture and ordering around people that hate your guts?"

"I have said nothing about drawing."

"Please. You're totally a drawing guy. It's written all over you. You've got that whole emotional-roller-coaster-hidden-under-the-surface thing going on."

Klaus licked his lips. "You're not as impressive as you think you are."

"Do you or do you not draw?" she demanded in a rising tone.

He closed his mouth, glaring at her.

She only grinned. "Pissed off yet?"

"We're getting there," he growled.

"Don't," she pressed suddenly, losing her winning pride as if it had never been real. "Don't lose your temper. Bite it down, breath through it."

"Will that be before or after you stop pressing down on my lungs?"

She pointed at him sternly. "Stop it," she warned. "Don't lose control."

"You know nothing," he sneered.

"You're losing it!"

Klaus growled in an exclamation, then let go of all his frustration with her. He breathed heavily, watching the ceiling, feeling himself literally go limp against the floor.

Then his hands relaxed. His cheeks cooled down. And his heart stopped clenching.

Caroline watched him, studied him. He hated it, but not enough to act on it. Nearly twenty seconds passed before her expression changed from expectant to triumphant. "You done?"

"Only with you."

She shook her head, smiling at him. "No you're not," she called him out.

Again, he didn't respond. 

* * *

**Hello guys! So thanks for reading, if you've made it this far. If you want drabbles and other writings (stydia, dramione, obroden, allisaac, more klaroline), then my writing tumblr is ivenoticed-twice (which really is where everything is). But, you know, whatever... X)**


	3. Selflessness

Klaus sat down on the couch, finding it odd that he actually recognized the smell in the air as "Caroline." The blonde looked up from her desk and smiled. "Hello," she greeted. She set down her pen and spun her chair around to face him. "How was your week?"

Klaus inhaled as he shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

"Walk me through it."

"First my brother hid away the girl that's carrying my child. Then, the next day, my sworn enemy stole my sister from me; took her out of town. After that, I found that a very powerful witch was working with one of my most trusted hybrids in a scheme to kill me. That doesn't disappoint me so much as the fact that they actually doubt me when I say there literally is no way to kill me. Oh, throw on top of all that, my journalist up and left town, and I haven't the faintest idea why, or even where she went to."

Coming to a close, Klaus leaned back on the couch and stretched his arms along the back. He'd expected confusion from her. Astonishment that so much betrayal could be happening in one man's life - one man's week. But she showed no sign of sympathy or amazement at his survival skills. Instead, she slowly nodded, biting her lips together. "I can work with that."

"You can _work with that_?" he repeated. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Caroline stood up, grabbing her pen as she did so. "You're being selfish," she concluded pensively.

"Excuse me?"

Her feet carried her slowly to the side of the room, pen bouncing on her palm. "Everything you just described to me was drenched in selfish needs. So, we're going to focus on making you see the situations from other people's points of view."

"I'm not being selfish," he cut in. "I'm trying not to lose every single person in my life-"

"Are you?" she tried him. Before he could respond, she was talking again, strolling over to the couch he was seated on. "Because from what I've heard of your sister, you don't enjoy her company all that much."

Klaus stared her down as she sat. "I enjoy my little sister pleantifully."

"When was the last time you guys had a conversation without one of you getting upset?"

"Yesterday."

"When she was out of town getting her groove on with your enemy?" she tested. "Bullshit."

Klaus breathed shallowly, licking his lips as his temper started loosening from his hold. "Fine. What did I say that lead to the conclusion I was being selfish?"

"Everything." She held a finger up, beginning to list off her reasons. Klaus noticed with slight amusement that she leaned into the couch and relaxed. She had to have known that his mood was rigid - he wasn't exactly trying to hide it. "First you said your brother stole your wife-"

"She's not my wife."

"So you really have no reason to have her under your thumb, right?" Klaus opened his mouth to respond, but Caroline quickly pressed to her next point. "So you want a girl you don't own. Second, your sister left town with your enemy. Not only do you not want your sister to leave - who you also don't have any right over - but I don't think you were too happy about your nemesis leaving, either. Now there's no one to yell at."

Klaus frowned and turned to get into her face. "I do not need anyone to yell at-"

"Third!" Caroline returned, getting right back into his face. "You know that the witch and your servant - who, again, you have no legal ownership of - can't hurt you, but you're going to try to kill them anyway just because they're no longer yours." She took a deep breath, dropping her counting fingers into her lap. "And there was something else..."

"My journalist up and left-"

"Oh yeah! Who the hell has a journalist?"

"She's writing my life tales."

Caroline laughed. "That should be good. 'Whine whine whine, complain complain whine. Life's so unfair when things don't go my way. Why isn't England bowing down to me by now?'" She laughed again.

Klaus clenched his fingers into a fist, but then he frowned in confusion. His anger hadn't driven him to tense up. It had just happened out of habit. He opened his hand, and frowned harder, realizing he wasn't the slightest bit irritated with her mockings at all. He almost found himself smirking along with her as she continued to laugh.

He opened his attention back to her. Her white smile, squinted eyes, and red cheeks were more capturing than any portrait he'd come across in his many years, and that alarmed him.

"Okay," she nodded. "I'm done. Sorry."

"No worries. It was only my feelings you were tearing apart, love."

"I'm sure you'll think of a way to repair it all. But!" she exclaimed suddenly. "We're in the middle of tearing apart your other feelings."

"My so-called selfishness."

"Right. You hungry? I'm hungry."

Klaus spoke as she stood up and reached for her phone. "I only drink blood."

"Well, today you're eating pizza." She pressed a button and pulled her phone to her ear. "Welcome to my human world."

Klaus waited as Caroline made an order for a pineapple pizza and bread sticks. He was quite bored with the situation until she started talking about her life with the person on the receiving end of the phone call. "Yeah, I'm working. People with problems," she looked to Klaus, "you know demanding they can be."

Klaus's tilt of the head caused her to smile, but then she was back to the phone call, ending with a confirmation that, yes, she was at her usual place.

"I take it you're a common customer?"

"That's not the point," she brushed off and sat down beside him again. "The point, is who's paying."

She raised her eyebrows at him, waiting. He returned the look, not giving in. "Be selfless," she chimed.

"Pay your own bills."

"Klaus, come on. You have to start forgetting about your obsession with yourself by giving into other people's requests."

"I happen to like my obsession with myself."

"That makes one in a million of the people that have wanted to punch you in the face."

"I believe that's their problem."

Caroline placed her hand on his arm. Her hesitancy before she spoke again didn't go unnoticed. "I'm here to help you make friends and be a better person. Now pay for my food."

Klaus tilted his head at her. "This is, what, the fifth illegal thing you've done since I've come to you?"

Her hand patted his shoulder. "I'm pretty sure you're making up laws now."

"I was there when they were invented-"

"Fine, Klaus." She withdrew her hand. "Do something else selfless that doesn't involve breaking the law."

"Like what?" he questioned.

She smirked and shrugged. "I don't know. Your call."

There were only so many things he could do. Compliment her? Take out her trash for her? He smiled. "Why don't we cancel next week's appointment. I'll sacrifice my time so you can go out and so something you enjoy."

"Nice try, Hookie." She stood up. "While you're thinking of something you can do _right now_, I'm just going to finish up some paperwork." She sat down at her desk and mumbled, "seeing as this could take a while."

Of course it would take a while. What was he supposed to do at that exact second? Sing her a song? His first thought was to give her something. But he had nothing on him to give. Did she want his identification?

-Actually... maybe something equally important.

He stood and reached behind his neck. "Here." She looked up at him just as he held out one of his favorite necklaces: an arrowhead he had been given by a tribe over five hundred years ago.

Caroline stared at it for a few moments in what looked like astonishment. But then she collected herself and stood up. "Your necklace?"

"It's something I've had for quite some time. So," he took her hand and slowly dropped the necklace into her palm, "I'm being selfless and giving it to you instead."

Caroline smiled gently at him, then turned her attention to her gift. "It's incredible."

"I know."

* * *

**A/N: I feel so rude when I don't speak at the beginning and end of the chapters. **

**Thanks for reading and for all the follows! X) *Reviews are always great. You know...just throwing that out there.**


	4. Respect

**Hey guys. Sorry this one took so long. I'll try to get the next update up soon. I don't know why it takes me so long. These are pretty damn short. I suck at life, sorry. **

* * *

Klaus fixed his collar and knocked on the closed door in front of him. He held his composure, keeping the smug smile off his face. The rose in his hand felt heavier than most roses normally did. But then again, when was the last time he'd held one?

"Come in!" came Caroline's voice carelessly.

His smile actually did falter and fade. He tilted his head, wrapping his mind around the informal habits of the twentieth century. He knocked again. There was movement on the other side of the door. He held his head taller as the plank of wood slowly opened. Caroline stood in the new opening with her eyebrows high on her forehead. "Was 'come in' not acceptable enough for you?"

"Vampires need to be invited into a home to ensure that they are welcome. Personally, I feel the moment I leave a house I need to be re-invited if I wish to return."

Caroline nodded slowly. "So, again, was 'come in' not acceptable enough?"

"You didn't know it was me. Therefore the invitation was not completely mine."

Caroline nodded again, this time swiftly ending the conversation. She looked down to his hands. "That's a nice rose."

Klaus held it out to her. "I'm glad you like it."

Caroline took it and stepped back, allowing him in, but he didn't miss the smile on her face. "What's the occasion?"

"I was being selfless: taking time out of my day to get you something nice." He shut the door behind him and stood in front of her. "Happy?"

She held the rose close to her face, smelling it when she wasn't speaking. "Very. Glad to know my teaching isn't just being tossed out the window the second you leave." She walked to her desk, set the rose down, then seated herself. "Done anything else I'd be proud of?"

Klaus sat down in his usual spot. "My anger seems to be taming down," he admitted, much as he hated to. "Funny, since I started off purposefully ignoring your advice."

"Why would you come to me if you were just going to ignore what I had to say?"

Klaus leaned back into the couch and threw his arm over the back. "That's an interesting necklace," he tilted his head, a smirk on his face. "Where'd you get it."

Caroline touched the grey stone instinctively. "A friend gave it to me. Kind of falling in love with it."

"Good; it looks bloody important."

Caroline laughed, and Klaus found himself relaxing at the sound. "So," he began after she stopped grinning and distracting him from his thoughts. "What life lesson are you going to teach me today?"

"What life lesson are you having trouble with?"

"None. My life is wonderful."

"Bullshit," she cut off his smug smirk. "You're more messed up than my insane uncle."

"I've also seen more than your insane uncle, I can assure you. I have more to be messed up about."

"Ha," she beamed. "You admitted you were messed up."

Klaus rolled his eyes, dragging out the motion. "Well there's no point trying to argue if you're not going to give up your side of the case."

"Hey, you're teaching yourself how to let others have their way! Fantastic. Now, teach yourself how to respect people."

Klaus blinked at her for a moment. "Where did that come from? What was said that possibly led you to the conclusion that I don't respect?"

"I just told you my uncle was insane and you didn't show any sort of sympathy or interest in it at all."

"That doesn't mean I don't respect you."

"And who do you respect?"

"My brother."

Caroline narrowed her eyes. "The brother you told me you killed when he didn't agree with what you said."

"Respect can mean many different things."

She chuckled, but covered it by clearing her throat. Klaus tilted his head at her with his eyebrows raised. And he was the one with respect problems.

"Okay," she nodded. "What does respect mean to you?"

Klaus hesitated a moment, then crossed one leg over the other knee. "Understanding that another person is a being of their own and that they are not to be trifled with or used or belittled in any way."

The laughing smile returned to her face. "So, no, you don't respect anyone."

"I respect you."

That made her stop. Her foot stopped rocking, and her smile stopped growing. Excitement tightened Klaus's chest. Her reaction had been more than he'd been expecting. "Why?" she frowned. "I'm your therapist. Of all the people you could like, you decide to like the person that pushes you around and actually tries to pick fights with you?"

Klaus kept his eyes connected to hers, which kept her attention on him. "You're different. You push me around and pick fights because you're interested in me."

"And everyone else that picks fights with you is just... looking to get their own kicks?"

"I have reason to believe so, yes."

"Have you ever stopped to consider that people actually care about you? That's why I pick fights with you - I'm trying to connect with you. What if that's what everyone else is trying to do?"

He shook his head. "They're not."

"How can you be so sure?"

"They're just not. You smile with me. They don't."

"Maybe they've done so much smiling by themselves that they don't think you're ever going to smile back."

"You've never met them. You don't know them-"

"I know people."

"But that's the thing, love. They're not people. Neither am I."

She raised her eyebrows. "But somehow I'm connecting with you." Klaus closed his mouth, feeling his chest tighten again, but not in the same excitement as before. "You're still a person, Klaus. Just because you can turn into a wolf and live forever doesn't mean that you're no longer a human being."

"Yes, Caroline," he replied harshly. "That's exactly what it means. I'm a monster. There is no humanity left in me."

Caroline shook her head, lifting the corners of her lips up in a tiny smile. "I don't believe that."

Klaus tilted his head back, staring her down. "You wouldn't, would you?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you're a psychologist and therefore you are always right and your psycho patient is always wrong." He stood up and walked towards the door, having had enough life lessons for the day.

"Sit your ass down," Caroline commanded.

Klaus dropped his head back as he exhaled a sigh. "And why should I do that?"

"Because I don't want you leaving here pissed off at me."

"Give me a good reason."

"I respect you."

Klaus stalled for a moment, then turned to look at her over his shoulder.

She shrugged lightly. "I'd worry for hours if someone I respected thought poorly of me."

He had no intention of sitting back down. He had no intention of talking any more with her. But he couldn't help but say the final word, and he couldn't help do it with a smirk on his face. "There's no need to worry, love."

And with that, and a small blush from Caroline, he exited the room.


End file.
